Reminisces of a Motherless Daughter...




May, its a lovely time of year where I live. I am able to witness a grand re-birthing of slumbering flowers, trees and grass, colors burst forth from little balls that stretch and unfold into petals reaching for the sun. Watching the world wake up and come alive is such a miracle. Watching the birds gather sticks and twigs to build their homes is an effort of industry. I always hope they will find a branch on one of my trees worthy to lay their eggs. May is also the month when we celebrate our Mothers, and the month my Mother was born. Its a bitter sweet holiday. My mothers legacy and purpose in life was simple yet monumental. She only wanted to be a mother, and raise her children. She wanted lots of babies, she had lots of love to share. She was taken from us before we were able to have many memories. I am living her life. I am raising my babies, being a part of their joys, sorrows and life's milestones. Ive been there for them every day after school for 21 years. Im lucky, Im blessed, I miss my mom.  I love being celebrated on mothers day, I love being with my kids. I also open that little door in the center of my heart, that holds the vulnerable earthly longing for the mother who is responsible for everything good in my life. I wish I could hug her, and break bread with her. I wonder what our conversations would be and imagine that she would light up with joy seeing her grandchildren. I let the tears build puddles in my eyes, until they spill out and roll down my cheeks. I indulge in my moment of missing the mother that I cannot touch. I feel the air around me tighten, and a warming swirl wraps around my shoulders like a big hug from the part of my mother that still lives. I offer gratitude. My journey through life has been hard, downright dark at times, but If I know any thing at all it is this. My greatest insights and growth have come from sitting in the dark, negotiating that place of pain. It is through the cracks that the light pours in and perspectives shift, then and only then life changes! Sometimes I wish that I were not a motherless daughter, I wish I could fill the void with experiences that I see other women share. I was only 8 when she left. The only way I can come close to that knowing is through my experience being a mother myself. I know how deep the love for my children flows, It is so rooted into my center, a bond that could never be broken. It's from this place of my own mothering that I can imagine what having a mother must feel like. In the here and now of today, its good enough! Im grateful for the perspective that offers this knowing. If I could say something to her and knew that she could hear me it would sound something like this: "Mom, thank you for giving me life, and the opportunity to show up with a purpose. I choose to live my life, and create a legacy worthy of your praise. I have taken my mission of chain breaking seriously. I strive to be better, to be stronger, and to have insane courage along my journey. I know you guide me from where you are. You are everywhere that your children roam. You assist us all. What we call miracles, are fueled by that strong mothering force that continues to pulse through our veins. Thank you mother for leaving a legacy to be worthy of and proud to expand. I miss you crazy bad, I love you to the moon, and 100 million. love ME, the girl you call TRESA pronounced TREE-sa." I am she the girl who loves trees, and nature, my name is perfect, it's spelling is special and magical and full of meaning. It is my song, I love that it came from you!! 



me 2 months before her death.


An excerpt from my book "Speaking your truth"

I found escape in the crevices of my imagination. I believed that there was a sacred contract made between my mother and her children. I imagined that she knew her life would be short. She came to give us life, to create a legacy that would change the future. She promised us that after she died, she would never be gone. I imagined her as a constant companion that I could call my angel. She would protect us from danger and help us navigate our way through life. She knew it would feel like an impossible journey, but she promised that we would be surrounded by her love, and that we would rise up as we each earned our wings and learned to fly. 
I knew the message that told me I would be a “chain breaker” was a significant part of this contract and a very important piece of my purpose. With this belief, I knew that my life was important. I had my own holy grail that needed to be discovered and the journey to find this treasure would define not only my life but forge a new path for future generations.

This may have started as an imagined story in my mind, but over time it became real. It was my elixir of courage, tincture of strength, and potion of forgiveness. I had to give up hope that my past could ever look any different. I had to forgive myself for hating the adults that had been in charge. I learned that I’d had magic powers all along. The power was realizing that I could be in charge of my own life and script it any way I wanted. For years I searched, trying to understand the mystery of the message that was on a loop inside my brain. “You are a chain breaker.” 

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! 



2 comments:

  1. I loved reading this blog! I too am a motherless daughter and I just posted about my experience on my own blog ("Honoring the Motherless Daughter Today"). I'm finding all these wonderful essays and blogs now, like yours, and I'm thinking, wow, why did I never do this before?

    I loved reading what you wrote. And the pictures you posted are sooooo touching. Really warmed my heart. Thank you.

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  2. Tresa!! You write so beautifully and I could feel in your words, how much you miss your mom. I had no idea that she was taken away from you at such an early age, Im sorry :(. Life sometimes is not fair, it just is, and one has to keep going with it. Your mother's love, strength and wisdom runs within you, she is never that far away. You are truly an amazing human and everyone who crosses paths with you is changed, for the better and is inspired to walk a better life. The universe will construct a way for her to be in your life, and its in the moments that you smile and feel your heart fill up, you will know that she is there too.

    I see so much of your mother in you, absolutely beautiful <3 Thank you for sharing <3

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