"I will not die an unlived life"




I will not die an unlived life I will not live in fear of falling Or of catching fire I choose to inhabit my days To allow my living to open me Making me less afraid More accessible To loosen my heart So that it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise I choose to risk my significance. To live so that that which comes to me as seed Goes to the next as blossom And that which comes to me as blossom Goes on as fruit. -Dawna Markova


My husband calls me a "quick start." It was actually a label assigned to me as a characterization, after one of those on-line personality quizzes. I have always feared heights. The ferris wheel at the cache county fair, made my central nervous system scream out loud, a test of my emergency broadcast system.

 I watched my daughter jump out of an airplane at 13,000 feet and fall to the earth, to find on the ground a marriage proposal romantically, rehearsed. It was on that day, that my emergency broadcast system flat lined. I was standing in the center of time, in one moment holding my daughters hand before she boarded the plane that would carry her into the sky, and in the very next moment, watching her walk away holding the hand of her future husband. As my eyes looked to the heavens, I could see the tiny blue and white parachute that was carrying my first born child to the earth. I had to put all of my faith in that fabric, and the man attached to her back. This delivery, was like a stork flying through the sky, but she was being handed off to her man. The exhilaration and joy that created this moment, changed me.  The "quick start" in me was awake and on fire, I knew in that instant that I too, would need to throw my body from a plane, and conquer my ultimate fear. Exactly one week later, I strapped the very same man to my back, and trusted that same fabric parachute to deliver me to the earth, alive! 
Without the man, I would have not been able to exit the plane. He leaned forward and with a push, I was falling from the sky at 13,000 feet. The free fall was aggressive, and exhilarating, the wind velocity, pushed my cheeks to the back of my head. I was falling to the earth, and I was so happy! I knew I would land on the ground, but I breathed a little deeper when the parachute opened, and softened the fall. 

This is how I have always taken on life. In a quick start sort of way. I don't plan out scenarios, I almost never have a back up plan. When I get an idea that seems good, I stand on the edge of the unknown, and jump. Most of the time, that inner voice that throws me from the edge, is full of wisdom, and I land with grace. But there are times, when my plan fails, when my jump is a mess, I crash. I learn in those moments how "NOT" to do it again, and always come away with insight. This is how I roll. I need wide open spaces to explore, and enter at my own risk.  


I will not die an unlived life I will not live in fear of falling Or of catching fire I choose to inhabit my days To allow my living to open me Making me less afraid More accessible To loosen my heart So that it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise I choose to risk my significance. To live so that that which comes to me as seed Goes to the next as blossom And that which comes to me as blossom Goes on as fruit. -Dawna Markova




No comments:

Post a Comment