1+1=3 and From There Infinity





As I have a minute to myself today, I allow my tears to surface, to honor the pain of missing you! I was only 8 when you died. Since then many have come forward with the title of "Mother." I honor them all, even the mean ones! It was so sudden, so tragic, so sad and unfair and horrible. I became a mother when you left. At 8 years old, I learned how to prepare hamburger helper, sandwiches, soups. I did dishes and laundry, I cleaned bathrooms and changed diapers. The old icky cloth ones that had to be rinsed in the toilet. My small hands dunking and swishing diapers in the gross toilet. I didn't like it, but I did it. I wasn't good at it, but I survived. My heart ached for you, it still does. Over the years Mom, I built up walls to protect my heart, to quiet the sadness. I became a warrior a goddess. I learned how to do things to survive, even Man things. I can use power tools, and big plumbing wrenches. I can paint, and lift. I can rototill the dirt, and move furniture. I can dig holes, and lay tile. Im also good at the girl things, I love fashion, just like you! I love being creative and clever. But as for matters of the heart, I struggle a little more. Today I am 42, you have been gone 34 years. As I get older and wiser, I realize that it's time for the walls to come down. Im putting down the Man skills. I don't want to chip my nail polish with pipe wrenches, and power drills. It has taken me 34 years to learn that my fragile heart can be safe. Its time for the sacred feminine essence in my soul to emerge.  Your death, lead me down a new path into uncharted territory. Today, I am full of gratitude for the beautiful life I have created. Your children's children are remarkable, and I know you are so proud! I have found the most profound and lovely life lessons in all of the tragedies that followed your death! I love you so much! My mourning of you will take a lifetime, but my joy is greater, and my blessings more abundant for these lessons that have come from loss. When you married my father, it was 1+1=2.  When I came along the sum was 3, and after that it became infinite. You live each and every day through your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and on and on for ever and ever. Happy Mothers Day Mom. I think of you every time there is a full moon. Thank you for your timeless creation. Thank you for allowing me to rise higher than I thought I could, for surviving more than I knew was possible, and for this very moment, where time stands still as I feel your soul touch mine. 

Can you feel my walls coming down? will you be there to catch me if I fall? Yes of course you will, because you are always there. I love you Mommy!! 






3 comments:

  1. Tresa, I cannot begin to express my feelings of your beautiful thoughts of your mother. Beautiful is all that I can come up with. She loved her children more than life itself. She has been and always will be with you until you meet again. What a joyous reunion that will be. Happy Mothers Day to you Dear Sweet Tresa. I love you tones. Auntie L.

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  2. I am a witness to your amazing beautiful divine feminine and I'm crying as I read this. I love you and am so grateful for our friendship! I bow to the very divine in you! Huge Huge Munay!!!

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  3. I do not know you, and I only knew your mom so briefly. I loved and adored your aunts, uncles and grandparents who struggled along with you in trying to recover from the loss of your mother. It was such a heartbreak for everyone, but especially for her beautiful children left behind in their sorrow. I read your words and marvel at what you have become despite the loss, or maybe because of it. Thank you for sharing your beautiful soul to the rest of the people who loved your mother too.

    Jeanne Jensen

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