The Phantom fur ball 9 weeks and 6 days post op

"I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear."Joan Didion

"Everything that doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And later on you can use it in some story." Tapani Bagge

Sunday afternoon, kids hosing down the trampoline jumping with delight as they drench their clothes in water and bounce higher than normal. My view from where I sit is amazing as I look in stillness out the window. There are dozens of dragon flies flying around the yard, I look forward to their visit every summer. The butterflies are visiting the flowers and weeds that cover the rock-wall stretching for what seems like miles when it needs to be worked on. John is grooming the rose bushes, he complains about the yard work, but secretly finds the greatest joy when his hands are busy in the dirt. As I steal a quiet moment to reflect, I recognize how far I've come and have such gratitude for the deeper lessons that didn't kill me but made me stronger. I found a gift in the most unsuspecting place.... HERE. When communicating was nearly impossible, a face  paralyzed with numbness and forming words so difficult. What started as a documentary to show my progress in healing, became an outlet, a sort of meditation, that helped me to figure out what I am thinking, what Im looking at, what it all means... There are so may lessons, and so much healing. I feel lucky to have this physical correction and healing go much deeper to a soul level, where the metaphors are daily transformations. 

On a physical note I need to discuss the phantom in the room. (1. Something apparently sensed but having no physical reality) On the back of my bottom front tooth sits a phantom hair ball. It's feels small almost like a hair trapped between my teeth. It's not really on the tooth at all, the phantom lives on the tip of my tongue that is activated when it swipes the tooth. It is very annoying.. I am however so glad to be contending with a phantom hair ball v.s. the phantom itch that attacked my nose just a few weeks ago. My whole face erupts in itching, the good news is that it can be scratched. This is also a good sign of healing and feeling returning. Phantoms appear in many forms to many people. Mine have been itchy and furry and I wonder how many more may appear without warning?  What phantoms have you experienced?? 

Progress.. I ate a tortilla chip today. Not the THICK benchmark chip but a chip none the less. I am only able to really crunch down on the left side. The right side is still wacky and out of alignment. Boo.... I am anxious for the teeth to seat properly on both sides so that I can enjoy chewing and eating like a normal human. 

These are the benchmark brand chips. The chompers will have to be in their finest condition to knaw through a bag. 

And finally, this is the place where all of my troubles melt away in the beauty of the mountain air, hummingbirds buzzing around, and sparrows playing above ground. Delightfully relaxing and refreshing. This is the place where phantoms in the form of itches and fur balls, have no consequence. This is the place where the body, mind and spirit seek refuge. 


  1. Hi Tresa,

    It seems like your recovery is going fairly textbook, and progressing nicely! You look wonderful, and your positive demeanor is refreshing. Have a wonderful holiday!

  2. Tresa,

    This entry really made me realize why I'm enjoying writing a blog (even though I've just started). I used to write ALL the time, quite well, and kind of stopped after I outgrew my teen-angst phase. But all my teachers and friends always wanted me to make a career out of it, whether fiction or non-fiction. Every time I've tried to get back into it in the past few years, though, I just couldn't get the feeling back. Without the teen anxiety and preteen musings about nothing in particular, I felt like everything I wrote was very forced and unsatisfying.
    Since I've started documenting my surgery though, I noticed that I am writing more and more about things unrelated to that every day...and it feels so good. You hit the nail right on the head with this entry. I agree completely with you. Writing for self-reflection is a wonderful kind of meditation that I have been sorely missing in my life, and you have just now helped me realize exactly what it was.
    On another note, I'm so glad your recovery is still going well! Did your stitches ever start to drive you crazy after the initial numbness went away? Because mine sure are!
    I'm glad that you get to see those beautiful mountains. All I have to look at during my recovery is a grubby college campus (full of dearly loved friends and places, of course, but certainly no snow-capped mountains!). Maybe if I try really hard, I can relax like I was there too! Haha :)